Imagine walking into a room full of people, not knowing anyone. No one at all, and you’re all alone. That’d be awkward right? And not, First-Day-Of-School awkward…No this awkwardness is different… Let’s go further.

So as you awkwardly hold up your corner of the room, you get that feeling…That odd feeling that something is going on in the room that you don’t know about…That feeling that someone is talking about you…You start to feel on edge, and anxious…And then you notice…You notice that the people around you are glancing over your way, whispering, giggling, cutting eyes your way…And its confirmed. They are talking about you…and not in a good way either.

Reaaaaal awkward right?

Now let’s add one more thing to the pot…Those people that were talking, and glancing, and whispering….Those were your family. Not like “Oh that’s my play cousin! We close like family!,” No…This was flesh and blood.

This is what I felt this past two days, while attending my Father’s mom’s funeral.

You see, there is a division, it seems, in my family. On my father’s side, there has been a longstanding conflict that somehow involves us. Now what that conflict is, I have no clue. And this is why it hurts to see that it effects how that side of the family treats myself, my sister, and my mother. We have had no part in anything that might have created this bias towards us. And it doesn’t help that 1) We never see our Father’s side of the family and 2) There is this tension and bias built up towards us. Its kinda hard to make a first impression when people have an image for you.

And I’m not stupid. I can pick up on things. I know what they probably think…They probably think that we are bougie…that we are better than them…that they are beneath them. Why? Your answer is as good as mine. Is it because I don’t speak? Well, I don’t speak because I DON’T KNOW YOU! I would love to learn about my family. I mean that’s FAMILY! That’s BLOOD! But, when someone doesn’t make it easy open up and speak…and when people don’t give you that chance…How do you get to know them? They have closed themselves to you. And you are left feeling alienated. A stranger. A foreigner.

Do you know how that feels? Do you know that hurt? Can you feel that pain? It feels like part of me died along with my Grandmother. A part of me that I will never, or at least it seems that way, get to know. Who knows how many friendships that could have been formed? Who knows the laughs that could have been shared?  The bonds that could have been formed…

All lost…

Due to WHAT?

Something petty, that doesn’t even involve me or my sister or my mother to begin with?!

I am in pain. I am angry. My heart hurts. And I don’t know what to do….

And please note, not all of my father’s side is like that… I love them all. I hold nothing against them.

There is nothing to hold against them.

Marinating On This...

I wonder what Grandma would do…

They are fruity little candies made of taffy, I think :-/, and in the middle of those gushers is a sweet liquid. A whole box can get gone some days with me. lol

But tonight, I’m not talking about Gushers as it relates to my love of candy, but rather, how it relates to people. People who have this tough exterior but are really…just not that.

I feel as though I, personally, people would  have a much easier time being themselves. Though, of course, we live in a time where many people feel that this is not the case. Call it a front, call it defense mechanism, call it what you will, but faking the funk will never be a success. Yes, you may feel you have won for some brief moment or even an extended amount of time, but there will come a time when all of it comes down like a mountain crashing down on you.

I relate it to a rockslide…Now rockslides can be a huge and tragic occurence. And what’s so amazing about it is that it can be started by the smallest little pebble. Now think, you can pretend that you are “hard” or nonchalant or what have you, and fakeout people around you. You can even try to fake yourself out…But you can’t. Because in the back of your mind, there is that true part of you that rebels against everything that you are doing. And that little thought, that little piece of you, is enough to bring down your whole fake persona.

That’s why some people who SAY they don’t need people, can’t be alone. They don’t want to face themselves. They don’t want to hear that little voice that knows that what you’re doing is bullshit. And you know it too.

And of course, with rockslides there is collateral damage. So don’t think that you will be the only one hurt in it. People around you who liked you for who you truly were will be alienated from you, and the people who know you for your persona will ridicule you for being someone you’re not.

So many times I will statuses on facebook, or tweets on twitter, that read something like “I dont care about your feelings Ima do me!” or some kind of similar thing and I immediately think “….But if you dont care…why say anything about it? Your just letting the person your tweeting about, me, and everyone else know that you actually care MORE.” Sadly, those people will contend that they don’t care. Rather ironic when saying you don’t care means I do care.

But I will stop this rant blog about these Gusher people, and their rockslides…I only wish that they could see what everyone else clearly does.

Gone and Marinate on that

And it was rightly deserved.

Because you can’t expect for something to cultivate, grow, progress, or even stay at certain level, without some sort of time being invested in it. For instance, let’s say that you lift weights and your bench max is 300. You cannot, and you will not, be able to just quit lifting and expect to be able to lift that when you decide to come back. And if you think you can, you are sorely mistaken…or will soon be sorely mistaken.

Same thing holds true with your mind. If you are use to certain level of thinking, and then just stop involving yourself in a upper level of critical thinking, you will not be as sharp as you once were.

Thankfully, in both cases, you can attain and surpass your old accomplishments by re-dedication and effort.

I have to rebuild this blog, and my life.

I guess it will start with this first brick/ blog.

And I already know what that means….More writing.

Back to the one thing that satisfies me like no other thing….well….Scratch that…MOST other things. lol

I have to do it because I’m malnourished. I see other people eating good like they eating buffet-style, they are getting fat from all the rich material that they are covering. And they are eating veraciously too! Like they will never eat again…I need to get back to that. I lost weight in the Writing Game… Time to bulk back up.

Getting back on my grind cause I gotta eat.

Marinating Tiiiiiiiiime…..

A reallllll long time…And probably even longer since I have written something I felt very passionate about.

What is it that has distracted me from writting? From my love? From my passion?

To be honest, I think its just been the stupid shit I have been involving myself in and not been involving myself in. Way too many times I find myself being involved in frivolous activities that are not productive, or conducive to anything I’m doing in my life (i.e Drinking, Smoking, Dangling…). As far as other activities, I haven’t been getting involved with anything worthwhile so that I will MAYBE have something to write about.

I believe a re-dedication is in order.

God gives us gifts to use…He gave me the gift of writting…

And just as He gives…He can take away.

So I will endeavor to get back to doing what I love, and what God has blessed me to do.

…..

I wanna make love?

You know

Ever since I came…err…

Since I arrived on the sex scene

I have heard about it…

But never been about it

So Tonight baby…

I wanna make love

But before I lay down the…foundations

We gotta build up the tensions

Its hard work babe

Ya might blow your back out

But it will be worth it I promise

My Worker’s Compensation is worthwhile

We are a team

Just work with me

I can’t do this myself

I mean..I tried to make it myself

But I always felt a part missing

I guess thats what sex is huh?

But tonight baby

We’re making love

Its hard work babe

A lot of sweating

A lot of grunting

Hell…

Might even let out a scream or two

Im not the perfect architect

But I know I have the perfect partner

Wouldn’t think of making something so big

So great

With anyone else

I mean…I tried it out with others before

They could never get it right

They weren’t in it for the long haul

I guess thats what sex is huh?

But tonight honey

We’re making love

And the work can get a lil dangerous

We gotta protect ourselves…

Don’t want anything to get messed up

Makin love is a delicate thing you know?

And I want it to be perfect for you

…But what am I saying?

Im making love with you

Thats perfect

So baby bring your tools

Your love

Your body

Your kiss

Your smile

Your everything

Because tonight

We’re Making Love

Make Love...

Closed eyes

Paint a portrait of you

As I lay awake

Wishing to gently brush against your skin

Stoke you

With the skill of an artist

Night is the canvas

On which I paint your image

Your eyes twinkle

You’re a star in your own right

Glad you fell from Heaven’s Door

And into my skies

My eyes

Behold an Angel

I am so blessed

God smiled upon me

Rejoice

My spirit has found a mate

So come

Let me paint this portrait of love

So that everyone will know

I fell in love with an Angel

On this night

Let me paint this portrait of love

So that our love

Will be known

Forever

Let me paint this portrait with love

So others will look on and say

“This is what true love is”

This young woman and I, had sex. A long, long, long time ago.

(How is this relevant with what I am about to say? Keep reading.)

Now, I am cool with this young woman but we are no more than associates now. We were never even romantically linked, at all. And now, I find that I am attracted to, or at least, interested in one of her friends who I have met recently met. And of course, the history (if you can even truly call it that) has been divulged to the lady who has my interest.

Knowing that this was the case, I had my friend do some inside work (don’t act like you don’t) to see what the scope of the situation. And, to my dismay, I hear back that she wouldn’t mess with me because of what occurred between her and her friend…..Like a year ago…

Now, I am somewhat frustrated because something that I did so long ago ends up affecting me now. And it aint even a baby! lol. But, I had to step back and moisturize my situation (meaning I had to step back, and look at the dry situation and add to it).

Because I would probably have a problem with messing with one of my friends ex-conquests, depending on the relationship of course. In my situation, there was no relationship, nothing substantial or remotely emotional. If my friend had sex with a girl like a year ago, I would probably still go for it…But, it would be in the back of my mind I can’t lie. Yet, I feel that loyalties are strong between friends to the point that sometimes that doesn’t matter.

So I ask….When is it, or is it ever, ok to talk to someone who has been with (sexually or romantically) your friend? Does it matter what the relationship was? Does time ever play a role in the deciding factor?

Gone and Marinate on that

I was currently listening to his 3rd installation in the series, Mood Muzik 3, and I was listening to one of my favorite tracks on the CD “Dear Diary”. The track hit me because this man was being so candid and open and real on this track, like he is on just about every track he’s on, which I feel I am on this blog.

So listen to this.

ARE YOU IN THAT MOOD YET?!

The soundtrack to my life, I’d imagine, probably wouldn’t do a bunch of numbers on the Pop Charts. But, I feel that whoever bothered to listen to the shit I say, and the emotions I pour out, could do nothing but bob their heads to the beat of the heart of the poet of this world, but not truly a part of it. I reckon a few critics might not feel it, say it don’t make sense or the beat ain’t what’s hot right now. And they’re right. Because I ain’t auto-tuning nothing, I don’t want the meaning to be distorted and lost in the noise. I mean, how else would they feel my pain? And I ain’t about flashin fancy rhetoric like ice cuz that aint real to me. For what I say, I really don’t need a catchy hook, and a radio friendly hit….Cause the Real aint always so likeable, and the Truth aint always gonna reach the masses. Powers that be, would have me change up my style, change up my mind, change up my grind, change up everything to make me more acceptable. Have me grow a few inches, maybe lighten up my complexion, do a couple of crunches, pop some real slick shit like “Excuse me miss, what’s ya name…” not that I care or anything but just because I need some company for tonight. All for the wonderful price of my soul….and I can’t do it. And they can’t knock my hustle. And I’m locked out of their limelight, but never out of God’s light. And yeah, I got some “friends” I have featured on a few songs with, some ladies I have done some duets with, all for what? For the “friends” to go Pop, and watch the “Good Girls Go Bad”.

And so I break off from the crew, and just do….me. Write the songs that I wanna hear, and make the sounds I like to vibe to. Will everyone like it? No. Will everyone feel what I’m sayin?….Hmmm….Well they will feel some kind of way about it. But, that’s just the point. They’re gonna feel something. That’s all I want. Is for yall to feel…

So to anyone listening, I don’t want you to like this…I want you to feel this. And to everyone who feels this….Keep nodding ya head to the beat of the poet of the world…but not truly of it.

Just Something To Marinate On